DeadJinx

As of the 5th, the Master AssHat and I saw each other at work. That was the first time we had seen each other since mid-March when he dumped me, claiming he had met someone else, and the first time he had spoken to me since the day after all that went down. I had tried to reach out to him prior to that for a legitimate reason that was going to have me waltzing into his apartment while he was at work (we actually made it to the point where he gave me keys to his place), but he decided not to answer his phone. Since his brother had apparently chosen to use the "bros before hoes" ruling on me and completely ignore my only text to him post break up so I could ask for his assistance in getting the last of my things, I was more or less forced into calling the AssHat directly. I left him a message detailing what I needed to do, but he never responded, and I was fine with that. Total coward move in my opinion, but whatever.

I got my shit on the promised night and no one was home. I left the keys he gave me and all copies I had made in a tiny envelope sealed with wax as a show of good faith, and placed it on his "dresser." The copies I had made I damaged so they couldn't be used by his new piece of ass. Why the fuck should I make it easy for either of them? I earned those fucking keys and spent money on those copies! He hadn't asked for them back, but what the hell was the use in keeping them?

Anyway...back to the story of Saturday night.

Since our coworkers had no idea about us, I was not interested in being anything other than "work cordial" with him while also making it my life's purpose to avoid him. After all, "no contact" rule and all that. I think I did a pretty good job when he greeted me (which he made a considerable effort just to say hello. Really firm eye contact, too, lol). My voice ran a little high, but I doubt anyone was suspicious or even aware of the change. My expression stayed cheerful, so points for me! He, however, seemed nervous around me...

After his initial greeting, I went off and continued to work. When we were moderately alone by the narc vault was when things got kind of strange. First he asked how I had been and how the night was going, then he asked about work at Valley and whether or not it had improved. Then he told me that he has stopped drinking energy drinks. That was random, lol. I think all people tend to do that, though--just randomly supplying information that no ones asked for to help fill the air when they're nervous. He was still working hard to keep eye contact, too.

Then...he asked if he could hug me. Of all things! I was going to refuse, but since the vault isn't fully out of earshot and certainly not out of sight, I accepted his request. He hugged me for a lot longer than he should have and needed to, but I said nothing, opting to make a minor note of his interest in hugging me. Fine. Whatever. No biggie. He also took the time to apologize for "not reaching out sooner."

.....WTF? You dumped me!!!What the hell do you mean, "sorry for not reaching out sooner"?!?!

*sigh* I dunno. I have no idea what he's thinking, honestly. The sadness has been gone for a while. My heart didn't jump when I saw him, and certainly not when he hugged me.

Anyway, the last bomb was when he said he wanted to meet up and talk later, perhaps in the next few weeks. I haven't heard from him since, and I refuse to reach out to him to ask. For one, I deleted his number, so fuck that. Secondly, I was kind of...evil...just a couple days before seeing him at work. Considering how all this went down, I decided to do something wicked.

Now please understand, my girlfriends (and my mom!) wanted me to completely destroy his place when they found out that I still had keys. They were VERY disappointed that I hadn't killed him right after he dumped me, and hated me more for not taking back the quilt I made him for Christmas. They had wanted me to put fish under his refrigerator to rot, slash his mattress, put itching powder on the quilt and bed to screw with him and his new little yoga pretzel bitch, piss in his shoes, steal sox (take just one of a matched pair until he had several "odd sox out"...so silly!!), paint his dogs, take back the pillows I got him for Valentines Day...I mean shit, that list went on and ON!!!!!! So damn funny! None of that is me, though. I was super surprised that all of these adults went toddler on me all at once. I think the only one who didn't was my closest one, lol.

Anyway, what I ultimately did was this: I mailed him a letter. Dun, dun, duuuuuun!!!!! I know, scary right? So vindictive!!!

Bear with me here.

What they wanted me to do was all instant gratification. And also kind of nasty, lol. I prefer a slow, deep burning myself, and what better way to screw with the head of someone who frequently uses psychological warfare tactics than to use their own weapons against them?

The letter was short and sweet. "Of all the moments we had, I'll miss _____________ the most. Good luck in life. Goodbye." That was more or less it. Only two sentences, all hand-written. I printed his address from my printer so he wouldn't recognize my hand on the outside and possibly be more prepared than I would have liked, mailed it without any kind of return information, and did all that before the Postman came by on Thursday. To be honest, I don't think the post would have delivered the letter too much before Saturday, and I don't think he would have checked his mail then, anyway. So in reality, he probably didn't get my letter until maybe today if he went to check the mail at all before his week wraps up. In other words, I don't think he'd gotten my letter by Saturday when he saw me. The effects of my bomb probably hadn't been felt yet, so whatever he was thinking on Saturday he may not be thinking after reading that.


Anyway...I mentioned that he wanted to talk to me to my parents last. My mom wants to crush him. My dad said, "tell him to send a letter." Lol. Nice. Ah well. Regardless of whether he was serious or not, I am no longer spending my time commuting to him. If he wants to meet up that badly, he's just going to have to get off his lilly-white ass and come down to me during his time off. This game is no longer his. It will no longer be played on his field, and I will no longer waste my time, gas, and sheer physical discomfort of driving that distance going to him. I did that for eleven months total dating time. I am finished playing the "man." It's time for him to start owning the responsibility of what having a dick entails, and time for me to appreciate what having a vagina earns me.

A date that I was thinking would only be a couple hours before he blew up on me ended up going for almost eleven hours of talking. Two movies, too. Things...went pretty well.

I got there early, as expected, and it was good that I did. He wanted to take me to some restaurant for breakfast. Naturally, they had no real parking, so since it was close to his house, I parked in the lot right next the one I used to park in when we were dating seeing each other. I told him where I was and suggested we walk together. So I read until he came up to my car (best weapon choice ever!).

The outfit had the desired effect <3. The top was lower than I recalled, so it exposed my bra here and there when I moved, but I didn't care. With all the reasons women are finding to have their underwear intentionally exposed (bralette, anyone?), I was fine with what little was seen of mine. He...was certainly not complaining. His expression was priceless. I don't think I've ever seen a man look at me so hard for so long with such amazement and...longing...? I don't know. It's a hard facial expression to explain, lol. It was like a I was a brand new thing called "woman", and he wanted one, too! Well, however you'd like to try and describe it, I can say this for certain--he has never looked at me like that before.

We talked about idle things until after breakfast. The night before, I had made it abundantly clear that we were going to talk about the things he said, so there was no surprise. We went back to his place and got the dogs, then we walked and talked. And talked. Aaaaand talked. He was good about answering all of my questions. I played no games. I asked him detailed questions and broad question about his past, putting together the puzzle of his bad behavior. He had answered everything almost exactly as I had expected; horrible childhood, few improvements with age, lots of pain and strained relationships, and relatively horrible choices in mates. Sad, but my hunches were almost perfect. Not sure how I should feel about that...

He did apologize. It wasn't as wonderful as I would have liked, but really, when you're hurt by someone and just want an apology from them, when is the actual apology ever enough when it doesn't play out exactly as you imagined in your head? At any rate, the past has proven that he doesn't deliver the best sounding apologies, so I suppose it was what it was. The one thing I hadn't banked on was how I'd feel afterwards. I guess I was expecting some kind of great weight to be removed from me, but...nothing. I still felt hollow. I still feel hollow...but he gave me lots of answers to very personal questions, and I was more than happy to give him the hug he asked for after we had finished the main chat. .....It.....was a really long, nice hug. If I had been uncertain then, I knew for certain after that how much he seemed to miss me. He kept his arm around my waist and purposely kept his hand on my side just under my shirt as we wrapped up our walk and went back to his place.

He wanted a lot of touching. Like, a lot. Though I hadn't really wanted to be touched by anyone in the time leading up to that, I allowed him as much contact as I was willing. No sex; I had a little more self-respect than that =3, and honestly didn't want to. Still, he admitted how attracted he was to me, to the point that I caught him staring when we watched the first movie together. Still, I have to give him props for being clever and picking up on my general resistance and suspicion--he played slow and steady, and I watched his game and allowed it to play out.

He's not bad. I don't really know what the future will hold, but he doesn't seem too broken up about not having sex. I told him that we need to work on our communication above all else, and to find friendship within that context, and he agreed that talking was something we did, indeed, lack from before. He could just be jerking me around, and getting ready to pounce, but if he's willing to play ball with me, there might be hope. Rather, I know there's hope. We just need to talk.

We watched the second movie and cuddled a bit, and he was just thrilled to be touched again. I had expected that he'd be seeing someone else by now, but judging by what he said and how he was acting with me--and how he looked! He has a huge beard! XD--it sounds like he's been just as single as me. We'll see. My guard is still very, very, VERY high.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't worry over this, and as usual, I'm worrying over it. God...what does that man want? He already ripped my guts open--what more is left? I've been asking myself this repeatedly over this week, and still haven't found a decent answer.

What does he want?
Will he apologize?
Does he plan to shrug it off as if it was nothing?
Does he just want to hook up or something?
Should I bring a weapon?

...Ok, to be fair, the last question was put into my head by my coworker -_-;;. *sigh* That damn woman. She is definitely on the side of, "block his f-ing number and to hell with him." So she says to me:
"Don't be like Obsessed."
Me: "What do you mean? I don't even know his Book of Face AND I have certainly not been stalking him! Sure, he lives around Dick's, but because of his proximity, I certainly don't want to go to that one unless I know he's at work!"
Her: "No, not you. Him."
Me: *takes a minute to think* ".....Ooooooooooh. Come on. I don't think he's like that."
Her: "Just sayin'. Might want to carry something is all."

Heh, I hate her just a little bit.


My next sage advice came from P'pa (an older fellow I know from work ^-^). After I told him the whole story of the dumping and how impossibly nasty he was to me, and after asking if there was any way in hell I'd get back with him, he told me to stick it where it counts, and dress all the same. His suggestion? Something tight and short and ultra low with sexy heels, hahaha! "Show him what he decided to throw away!" was his advice. Lol, men =). I'll take as much of his advice as I can, but I don't own a skirt that short. I really don't want to buy one, either...

Time for work. At least I've been sleeping well. So tired from work...

While on my morning walk, I encountered something most unusual. A person! That I know! From work! A sweet nurse from the Birth Center that I did a triple-take on before I said, "hey, don't I know you?" The darling used to live in the neighborhood right next to mine, only recently moving because she and her husband wanted to live closer to his mom so they could help her more easily in the wake of his dad's passing. Very sweet of them. I like her. She's such a wonderful person! And I hope I never run into her again, as she kind of cost me several minutes on my walk, lol.

This past rotation went well, even with the inclusion of sensing that I may have pissed someone off. One of the fellows that, um...flirts with me, freaks me out, won't leave me alone talks to me while I'm working (I call him Googly-eyes -_-;;) seems to be somewhat through with me. I had been trying--very gently--since November to shake him, becoming increasingly cold and uninterested in what he had to say, but he just didn't seem to be getting the message. Until recently. If his behavior was any indication a couple nights ago, I think he's angry with me. That is the best thing for both of us, really.

I have no idea why this is the case, but nurses and their assistants seem to have a hard time understanding that while we're busy filling their machines with medications, we really shouldn't be disturbed, as it increases errors. Just like when/why we don't disturb them. It's a little thing called WORK. Googly-eyes just would not shut up. If he saw me in the med room, he'd just keep on talking. Now, it's not impossible for me to pay attention to the conversation, but when it's about nothing? 

On that same unit is a very attractive nurse that I absolutely love talking to. Not just because he's hot--I have no desire to go out with him--but because he's a great conversationalist. Since I feel that my own conversational abilities lack considerably, I really appreciate those who can carry the conversation to great lengths. I do have things to say, but as I have a tendency to be overly-focused on what I'm doing, it's hard for me to talk sensibly and fill the machine correctly. The other fellow on that same unit is the sweetest nerd on earth, and I also enjoy talking to him (he takes more energy than the former, but he's kind, so I say what I can, and he doesn't talk long anyway). As for Googly-eyes? NOTHING TO SAY. He just drones on and on, asking me around a thousand questions each time. Seriously, if you can't just talk and do a good job carrying the conversation while I'm obviously working, please be silent. I don't have time for interactions.

I think it was Sunday night? Might have been Saturday. I had come up for an early morning delivery and saw him sitting in a patient's room. He was on the phone, so to be polite, I waived and continued down the hall to the med room. When I came back out, he had pulled the door to so I couldn't see him! I couldn't even hide my smile. Sorry, not sorry! I don't really feel bad, but I do wish he'd gotten the message sooner. It might have been less of a blow to his feelings had he made peace with me having no interest in him sooner.

I suppose that going forward, I need to practice being firmer with rejecting suitors. It's just that sometimes, I think they just want to have a good conversation, and then I get blindsided by their sudden desire to hump my leg. Can't we just be friends? Is that so bad?

Things have calmed down considerably since the first post. My dad is feeling much better since his issue back in February. Long story short, he had a brain bleed (stroke) back in November of last year. While he didn't show any of the normal go-to signs, by January, he was having an almost impossible time getting around. His motor skills were shot, his sentences were very short, and he was just kind of out of it. Given the situation, his doctor ordered us to bring him into the ER right away, and said he'd make sure they had a bed ready for his arrival. When he got there and they scanned him, just over two-thirds of his brain was blotted out by blood. 45min later, he was in surgery, operated on, had all the blood drained out of his head, and was talking and basically back to normal. 45 minutes!!! I work in hospitals and know what speed is, but that was fast.

As earlier started, he's doing really well now. He still forgets things, but that's to be expected with his age and damage like that. He has a heart murmur now (just found out a couple days ago), so that's not the greatest, but since he's had it for a while and didn't bother mentioning it to us until his day-surgery this past Thursday when the RN verified in front of my mom that he was aware of it, I can only worry and be so angry about it. Men of the 50's are...so incredibly annoying in the way that they feel they have to keep everything a damn secret. My mom was furious, but she's sick of him doing shit like that, too.


My own life has been getting better. Work is, well, shitty, but the personal end of things has seen some good growth. After the Master of AssHats (AKA: the Ex) dumped me with such brutality, I went through great efforts to understand what was actually happening in that tiny little skull of his. Not from him personally--he had some serious issues and I was soooo not going near that shit--but from my dear books. So. Much. Research. Narcissistic Personality Disorder was at the top of the list of things to look into. Very interesting disease that I'd never even heard of, and it described him almost 100%. But despite all of the research I had done on that disorder, I kept feeling like I was missing something very big. Finally, right in the pages of the books, I saw what I was missing: Verbal Abuse. Those two words had been getting tossed around like freaking crazy, so I took a nice deep breath and decided to run with it.

The research exploded.

I'll be honest; I never really thought too much on such things prior to encountering the overwhelming toxicity of Him. Afterwards, however, my quest for answers left me with knowledge that will never be forgotten. Verbal Abuse (VA) is complex, and covers a wide range of things that go well beyond the conventional explanation. Name-calling (AssHat, lol) is only the tip of the iceberg. He never called me names, which isn't uncommon in these situations. No, what he excelled at was "covert abuse."

He would trivialize and counter me repeatedly, he used threats and even scolded me publicly once. He twisted stories around to make me appear weak or villainous when they were all about him (and indeed started out that way when he first told me...), would be condescending when I would have points to make, and LOVED to claim that he was accepting of everything, but never failed to disagree with almost everything I said. He said he needed more of a female presence in his life because it would be good for him, yet few of his words and actions said that he even liked women. There was...so little respect for me in there. I knew that a lot of things had been wrong, but I really didn't understand the full nature of why I felt the way I did until after I had read the books. Enlightenment is a most powerful thing...

I just finished reading the main book of my VA studies a few days ago. It was truly amazing, and gave me insight even beyond the things that hadn't bothered me in the relationship. Even down to the way he was always asking if I was ok. You wouldn't think that was abuse, would you? It's not that they're asking, it's the way they ask it. Such a question is meant to make it so that our train of thought is broken repeatedly during the same time/event (EX: if I'm doing homework and he interrupts me with said question for no reason at all) so frequently that we start to wonder if we are, in fact, "ok." This seed of doubt makes us second-guess ourselves, and second-guessing leads to self doubt, which leads to diminished confidence, and makes us easier prey. It really is amazing how well that shit works. On most. I was simply getting annoyed with him, but I hadn't know why at the time. A lot of instances were like that, and my reaction was usually that of inexplicable irritation.

Anyway, there are about a million examples, but I don't have that kind of time on my hands! This post is long enough anyway ^-^. I've been doing better--that's the bottom line here. I'm exercising again, which feels great, and I even finished painting the house! Not 100% (I still have to do the rest of the trim =P), but all the hard parts that require ladders are done. The house looks so much brighter, ya know? I haven't been able to get back to writing yet, but that should be pretty soon. I have been able to work on jewelry again, which makes me incredibly happy, and I've been sleeping better and having more fun without the thoughts of the house looming over my head. So as it stands, I have no mate, no super amazing social life, and still not a whole lot of time to spare, but I feel great, and I'm enjoying the addition of my 2.75mi walk during my days off!