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[personal profile] deadjinx
Things have calmed down considerably since the first post. My dad is feeling much better since his issue back in February. Long story short, he had a brain bleed (stroke) back in November of last year. While he didn't show any of the normal go-to signs, by January, he was having an almost impossible time getting around. His motor skills were shot, his sentences were very short, and he was just kind of out of it. Given the situation, his doctor ordered us to bring him into the ER right away, and said he'd make sure they had a bed ready for his arrival. When he got there and they scanned him, just over two-thirds of his brain was blotted out by blood. 45min later, he was in surgery, operated on, had all the blood drained out of his head, and was talking and basically back to normal. 45 minutes!!! I work in hospitals and know what speed is, but that was fast.

As earlier started, he's doing really well now. He still forgets things, but that's to be expected with his age and damage like that. He has a heart murmur now (just found out a couple days ago), so that's not the greatest, but since he's had it for a while and didn't bother mentioning it to us until his day-surgery this past Thursday when the RN verified in front of my mom that he was aware of it, I can only worry and be so angry about it. Men of the 50's incredibly annoying in the way that they feel they have to keep everything a damn secret. My mom was furious, but she's sick of him doing shit like that, too.

My own life has been getting better. Work is, well, shitty, but the personal end of things has seen some good growth. After the Master of AssHats (AKA: the Ex) dumped me with such brutality, I went through great efforts to understand what was actually happening in that tiny little skull of his. Not from him personally--he had some serious issues and I was soooo not going near that shit--but from my dear books. So. Much. Research. Narcissistic Personality Disorder was at the top of the list of things to look into. Very interesting disease that I'd never even heard of, and it described him almost 100%. But despite all of the research I had done on that disorder, I kept feeling like I was missing something very big. Finally, right in the pages of the books, I saw what I was missing: Verbal Abuse. Those two words had been getting tossed around like freaking crazy, so I took a nice deep breath and decided to run with it.

The research exploded.

I'll be honest; I never really thought too much on such things prior to encountering the overwhelming toxicity of Him. Afterwards, however, my quest for answers left me with knowledge that will never be forgotten. Verbal Abuse (VA) is complex, and covers a wide range of things that go well beyond the conventional explanation. Name-calling (AssHat, lol) is only the tip of the iceberg. He never called me names, which isn't uncommon in these situations. No, what he excelled at was "covert abuse."

He would trivialize and counter me repeatedly, he used threats and even scolded me publicly once. He twisted stories around to make me appear weak or villainous when they were all about him (and indeed started out that way when he first told me...), would be condescending when I would have points to make, and LOVED to claim that he was accepting of everything, but never failed to disagree with almost everything I said. He said he needed more of a female presence in his life because it would be good for him, yet few of his words and actions said that he even liked women. There little respect for me in there. I knew that a lot of things had been wrong, but I really didn't understand the full nature of why I felt the way I did until after I had read the books. Enlightenment is a most powerful thing...

I just finished reading the main book of my VA studies a few days ago. It was truly amazing, and gave me insight even beyond the things that hadn't bothered me in the relationship. Even down to the way he was always asking if I was ok. You wouldn't think that was abuse, would you? It's not that they're asking, it's the way they ask it. Such a question is meant to make it so that our train of thought is broken repeatedly during the same time/event (EX: if I'm doing homework and he interrupts me with said question for no reason at all) so frequently that we start to wonder if we are, in fact, "ok." This seed of doubt makes us second-guess ourselves, and second-guessing leads to self doubt, which leads to diminished confidence, and makes us easier prey. It really is amazing how well that shit works. On most. I was simply getting annoyed with him, but I hadn't know why at the time. A lot of instances were like that, and my reaction was usually that of inexplicable irritation.

Anyway, there are about a million examples, but I don't have that kind of time on my hands! This post is long enough anyway ^-^. I've been doing better--that's the bottom line here. I'm exercising again, which feels great, and I even finished painting the house! Not 100% (I still have to do the rest of the trim =P), but all the hard parts that require ladders are done. The house looks so much brighter, ya know? I haven't been able to get back to writing yet, but that should be pretty soon. I have been able to work on jewelry again, which makes me incredibly happy, and I've been sleeping better and having more fun without the thoughts of the house looming over my head. So as it stands, I have no mate, no super amazing social life, and still not a whole lot of time to spare, but I feel great, and I'm enjoying the addition of my 2.75mi walk during my days off!

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August 2017

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