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[personal profile] deadjinx
This year didn't start off overly well as a whole, but the past week has seen a great deal of turmoil in my personal life.

My mate has essentially dumped me because of something I had said in past tense that I can only imagine he interpreted as present tense--given how he reacted--and wouldn't let me finish what I was saying. He said that "sex was off the table" (Was that supposed to hurt? I'm asexual, and very, very rarely get involved with anyone as a result...), and pointed out that after we had started seeing each other, I started to withdraw emotionally. Umm...what did he expect would happen after he told me he'd "never fall in love again" after the last one--who was kind of bat-shit, by the way--ripped his heart out? Saying that was basically like telling me I'd never win the horse race. So tell me, where--in that statement--does it even make sense for me to get emotionally involved?

He also doesn't feel like being in a relationship with me due to my work schedule being too inconvenient (news to me!), which was something I was going to address by telling him I was going to take classes to do something else anyway. He also said that my life is set up in such a way that it doesn't allow for relationships, which he used as yet another reason to make me feel bad for admitting that I wanted a relationship with him "right now." Never mind that I said I was willing to wait until he felt more comfortable with relationships in general (again, typically asexual, so patience is abundant), so long as there was a chance. So, while that whole conversation was supposed to be about me working up to, "let's work on seeing each other more often," it ended up being, quote: "I don't see you being a very good person to have a relationship with." ...Nice. My feelings don't matter or anything. I get yelled at for not hanging on and remembering your every little word, yet you can't remember me saying that I actually do want a relationship, and all of that was said long before you asked me out.

With the expected anxiety of the break-up making my chest hurt, my dad being unusually sick hasn't helped. He just got hospitalized about two hours ago, which was when the doctors found out that he'd had a stroke a couple weeks ago. That would explain his very peculiar behavior. Back to my mate, he said I could still call or text him if I needed to talk (despite basically not wanting to see me anymore, he still thinks I'm a good person, just not a good girlfriend). So, I text him and ask if we can talk over the phone, or if I can meet up with him at his place after work. What does he say? That he's sick and doesn't feel like talking or seeing anyone. The one time I chose to involve someone in handing my anxiety attack with me, they bail.

Thanks for that, love.
Thank you so very much for reminding me why I don't get involved.
Thank you for calling me stupid.
Thank you for saying I'm not worth anything to you.
Thank you for not keeping your promise to talk with me.


The pace of this year just went from bad to all out shit in no time at all.
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August 2017

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