deadjinx: (Default)
I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately (do I ever actually feel that badly, though?). My weight has been stable, which is fine I suppose. I don't mind this size at all, as all my favorite clothes still fit =). I've been at 162.8lbs since I started walking back in March-ish, so even if my BMI comes up as "obese" (which takes almost nothing to be called that according to those measurements, btw), I'm within my personal range of 158lbs-164lbs. The only real exercises I haven't been able to do with a great deal of determination or success have been the Pilates ones and jumping rope. With my dad always home, his car is always in the garage, which is the only place I can jump rope in private. Waiting until he leaves hasn't worked out especially well as of yet. For the Pilates set, I just plain-old forget to do them, lol. I need to work on that particular discipline....

I have been doing a TON of research as of late on essential oils focusing on acne prevention. Exhausting as hell, but already yielding many promising results. Aaaaand costing me a shit-ton of money -_-. Ah well. My interest in this initially began sometime last year, but it was only now that I managed to squeeze in the time to do the leg work and start getting answers. As I said, the results have been very promising, and I feel confident going forward with this plan of action. I have discovered a good many things in this quest, and this pleases me all the more.

The original goal of this research was to save money on prescription acne medication, as the one I use was going at damn near $300/tube with insurance, and that was only last year. This year...I have a feeling it'll be even closer, if not over $300 when if I go back for a refill. So now I've spent endless hours researching alternative, natural treatment options. I already had a good amount of the most basic supplies from back when I was making my own bodywash--something I'll be doing again very soon--so I was able to save a little money with that. The rest has been costly to get everything I possibly can. However, unlike that $300 tube, these prices won't vary as much, and I'm basically buying everything in bulk supply. I haven't tallied the damage yet, but I know it has been a costly journey. But even if it ends up costing me more, the fact that I'll be relying on fewer chemicals and more natural things makes me feel good.

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good ^-^.

deadjinx: (Default)
While on my morning walk, I encountered something most unusual. A person! That I know! From work! A sweet nurse from the Birth Center that I did a triple-take on before I said, "hey, don't I know you?" The darling used to live in the neighborhood right next to mine, only recently moving because she and her husband wanted to live closer to his mom so they could help her more easily in the wake of his dad's passing. Very sweet of them. I like her. She's such a wonderful person! And I hope I never run into her again, as she kind of cost me several minutes on my walk, lol.

This past rotation went well, even with the inclusion of sensing that I may have pissed someone off. One of the fellows that, um...flirts with me, freaks me out, won't leave me alone talks to me while I'm working (I call him Googly-eyes -_-;;) seems to be somewhat through with me. I had been trying--very gently--since November to shake him, becoming increasingly cold and uninterested in what he had to say, but he just didn't seem to be getting the message. Until recently. If his behavior was any indication a couple nights ago, I think he's angry with me. That is the best thing for both of us, really.

I have no idea why this is the case, but nurses and their assistants seem to have a hard time understanding that while we're busy filling their machines with medications, we really shouldn't be disturbed, as it increases errors. Just like when/why we don't disturb them. It's a little thing called WORK. Googly-eyes just would not shut up. If he saw me in the med room, he'd just keep on talking. Now, it's not impossible for me to pay attention to the conversation, but when it's about nothing

On that same unit is a very attractive nurse that I absolutely love talking to. Not just because he's hot--I have no desire to go out with him--but because he's a great conversationalist. Since I feel that my own conversational abilities lack considerably, I really appreciate those who can carry the conversation to great lengths. I do have things to say, but as I have a tendency to be overly-focused on what I'm doing, it's hard for me to talk sensibly and fill the machine correctly. The other fellow on that same unit is the sweetest nerd on earth, and I also enjoy talking to him (he takes more energy than the former, but he's kind, so I say what I can, and he doesn't talk long anyway). As for Googly-eyes? NOTHING TO SAY. He just drones on and on, asking me around a thousand questions each time. Seriously, if you can't just talk and do a good job carrying the conversation while I'm obviously working, please be silent. I don't have time for interactions.

I think it was Sunday night? Might have been Saturday. I had come up for an early morning delivery and saw him sitting in a patient's room. He was on the phone, so to be polite, I waived and continued down the hall to the med room. When I came back out, he had pulled the door to so I couldn't see him! I couldn't even hide my smile. Sorry, not sorry! I don't really feel bad, but I do wish he'd gotten the message sooner. It might have been less of a blow to his feelings had he made peace with me having no interest in him sooner.

I suppose that going forward, I need to practice being firmer with rejecting suitors. It's just that sometimes, I think they just want to have a good conversation, and then I get blindsided by their sudden desire to hump my leg. Can't we just be friends? Is that so bad?

deadjinx: (Default)
I'm realizing my lacking fondness for the phrase "when it rains, it pours"...

A fellow from my job that had unusually high hopes for being in a relationship with me last year texted me out of the blue this week. He has my number because I gave it to him (I felt bad saying no, damn it!), and he hasn't really bothered me since Xmas. At the time of his entrance into my days, I was seeing the Master AssHat. As I don't get into the habit of announcing my relationship status, I'm sure he assumed I was single (and looking, apparently...), and began his pursuit. He wanted to "take me out," and I just genuinely didn't want to go. I wasn't interested then, and I'm not interested now. He has dated so many women in the hospital! Did he think I hadn't noticed or remembered that?! And anyway, I don't like shopping for mates at work if I can help it. Makes life easier when things don't work out, you know? Anyway, he had basically left me alone shortly after xmas, which made me think he had finally gotten the message, or found someone else. Sooo not the case.....

He shot me a text around the beginning of my work week asking how I was and if I wanted to go out with him somewhere (again). He wanted to walk me to my car the last Monday I was at work, but thank the lord, I was super busy and wasn't able to get that walk! I felt good that I had managed not to see him at all that week, too! Still, he's back to texting me more than I'd like...*sigh*. I know he doesn't get it, but I am just not that into him, and right now, I am loving not having to deal with another person's feelings. Cold truth, my friends!

As if things were odd enough with him contacting me again, guess who else has started talking? The darling Ex himself. Yeeeeaahhhh...just about chocked on my dinner when I saw his text last night. It would seem I've been on his mind "for the past few months" (sorry, but I have to say how fucking insane that sentence is! The is coming from Mr. We've-only-been-dating-for-12-days-not-3-months. It hasn't even been nine WEEKS since he dumped me! So since we just HAVE to be technical, a "few" is defined as "three or more." There. We can now move on.). He said he's been reluctant to talk to me because he's been "struggling with aspects of life and did not want to behave in a disrespectful or needy way."


Since it was late when he text me (he was at work. It was slow. Fine time for an epiphany...?), and even later when he got that last bit out, I ultimately had to tell him to try again later on today after 11:45a. I need to sleep sometime, and I had a lot of running around to do after my walk this morning! Thing is, he hasn't gotten back to me. I'm neither shocked nor disappointed. He never gave me a chance to bond to him, so, ya know...meh. He probably slept in or something and ended up rushing into work at the last minute. Show's how important that conversation was to him, right?

Still, I can't help but wonder what he will say; what he expects will happen. I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm honestly not expecting to get any kind of apology from him. He probably just wants someone to talk to, and I happened to be "it" at that moment. Maybe he already resolved his issue by talking to Lydia (this friend of his who was having a family crisis very, very shortly after mine, but she was more important than I was, so he physically went to her to offer support and wouldn't even talk to me via text. She has a son and a boyfriend, yet she was more important than his girlfriend the person he was seeing...) or maybe even Katie. Or maybe he was high when he text me, and forgot after he sobered! Lol!

Then again, maybe he just got cold feet. I admit, I probably wasn't as friendly as I typically am, but nowhere is it written that it's necessary to be nice to a man who turned into a monster when asked how he felt about his girlfriend the person he was sleeping with.

deadjinx: (Default)
Things have calmed down considerably since the first post. My dad is feeling much better since his issue back in February. Long story short, he had a brain bleed (stroke) back in November of last year. While he didn't show any of the normal go-to signs, by January, he was having an almost impossible time getting around. His motor skills were shot, his sentences were very short, and he was just kind of out of it. Given the situation, his doctor ordered us to bring him into the ER right away, and said he'd make sure they had a bed ready for his arrival. When he got there and they scanned him, just over two-thirds of his brain was blotted out by blood. 45min later, he was in surgery, operated on, had all the blood drained out of his head, and was talking and basically back to normal. 45 minutes!!! I work in hospitals and know what speed is, but that was fast.

As earlier started, he's doing really well now. He still forgets things, but that's to be expected with his age and damage like that. He has a heart murmur now (just found out a couple days ago), so that's not the greatest, but since he's had it for a while and didn't bother mentioning it to us until his day-surgery this past Thursday when the RN verified in front of my mom that he was aware of it, I can only worry and be so angry about it. Men of the 50's incredibly annoying in the way that they feel they have to keep everything a damn secret. My mom was furious, but she's sick of him doing shit like that, too.

My own life has been getting better. Work is, well, shitty, but the personal end of things has seen some good growth. After the Master of AssHats (AKA: the Ex) dumped me with such brutality, I went through great efforts to understand what was actually happening in that tiny little skull of his. Not from him personally--he had some serious issues and I was soooo not going near that shit--but from my dear books. So. Much. Research. Narcissistic Personality Disorder was at the top of the list of things to look into. Very interesting disease that I'd never even heard of, and it described him almost 100%. But despite all of the research I had done on that disorder, I kept feeling like I was missing something very big. Finally, right in the pages of the books, I saw what I was missing: Verbal Abuse. Those two words had been getting tossed around like freaking crazy, so I took a nice deep breath and decided to run with it.

The research exploded.

I'll be honest; I never really thought too much on such things prior to encountering the overwhelming toxicity of Him. Afterwards, however, my quest for answers left me with knowledge that will never be forgotten. Verbal Abuse (VA) is complex, and covers a wide range of things that go well beyond the conventional explanation. Name-calling (AssHat, lol) is only the tip of the iceberg. He never called me names, which isn't uncommon in these situations. No, what he excelled at was "covert abuse."

He would trivialize and counter me repeatedly, he used threats and even scolded me publicly once. He twisted stories around to make me appear weak or villainous when they were all about him (and indeed started out that way when he first told me...), would be condescending when I would have points to make, and LOVED to claim that he was accepting of everything, but never failed to disagree with almost everything I said. He said he needed more of a female presence in his life because it would be good for him, yet few of his words and actions said that he even liked women. There little respect for me in there. I knew that a lot of things had been wrong, but I really didn't understand the full nature of why I felt the way I did until after I had read the books. Enlightenment is a most powerful thing...

I just finished reading the main book of my VA studies a few days ago. It was truly amazing, and gave me insight even beyond the things that hadn't bothered me in the relationship. Even down to the way he was always asking if I was ok. You wouldn't think that was abuse, would you? It's not that they're asking, it's the way they ask it. Such a question is meant to make it so that our train of thought is broken repeatedly during the same time/event (EX: if I'm doing homework and he interrupts me with said question for no reason at all) so frequently that we start to wonder if we are, in fact, "ok." This seed of doubt makes us second-guess ourselves, and second-guessing leads to self doubt, which leads to diminished confidence, and makes us easier prey. It really is amazing how well that shit works. On most. I was simply getting annoyed with him, but I hadn't know why at the time. A lot of instances were like that, and my reaction was usually that of inexplicable irritation.

Anyway, there are about a million examples, but I don't have that kind of time on my hands! This post is long enough anyway ^-^. I've been doing better--that's the bottom line here. I'm exercising again, which feels great, and I even finished painting the house! Not 100% (I still have to do the rest of the trim =P), but all the hard parts that require ladders are done. The house looks so much brighter, ya know? I haven't been able to get back to writing yet, but that should be pretty soon. I have been able to work on jewelry again, which makes me incredibly happy, and I've been sleeping better and having more fun without the thoughts of the house looming over my head. So as it stands, I have no mate, no super amazing social life, and still not a whole lot of time to spare, but I feel great, and I'm enjoying the addition of my 2.75mi walk during my days off!

deadjinx: (Default)
This year didn't start off overly well as a whole, but the past week has seen a great deal of turmoil in my personal life.

My mate has essentially dumped me because of something I had said in past tense that I can only imagine he interpreted as present tense--given how he reacted--and wouldn't let me finish what I was saying. He said that "sex was off the table" (Was that supposed to hurt? I'm asexual, and very, very rarely get involved with anyone as a result...), and pointed out that after we had started seeing each other, I started to withdraw emotionally. Umm...what did he expect would happen after he told me he'd "never fall in love again" after the last one--who was kind of bat-shit, by the way--ripped his heart out? Saying that was basically like telling me I'd never win the horse race. So tell me, where--in that statement--does it even make sense for me to get emotionally involved?

He also doesn't feel like being in a relationship with me due to my work schedule being too inconvenient (news to me!), which was something I was going to address by telling him I was going to take classes to do something else anyway. He also said that my life is set up in such a way that it doesn't allow for relationships, which he used as yet another reason to make me feel bad for admitting that I wanted a relationship with him "right now." Never mind that I said I was willing to wait until he felt more comfortable with relationships in general (again, typically asexual, so patience is abundant), so long as there was a chance. So, while that whole conversation was supposed to be about me working up to, "let's work on seeing each other more often," it ended up being, quote: "I don't see you being a very good person to have a relationship with." ...Nice. My feelings don't matter or anything. I get yelled at for not hanging on and remembering your every little word, yet you can't remember me saying that I actually do want a relationship, and all of that was said long before you asked me out.

With the expected anxiety of the break-up making my chest hurt, my dad being unusually sick hasn't helped. He just got hospitalized about two hours ago, which was when the doctors found out that he'd had a stroke a couple weeks ago. That would explain his very peculiar behavior. Back to my mate, he said I could still call or text him if I needed to talk (despite basically not wanting to see me anymore, he still thinks I'm a good person, just not a good girlfriend). So, I text him and ask if we can talk over the phone, or if I can meet up with him at his place after work. What does he say? That he's sick and doesn't feel like talking or seeing anyone. The one time I chose to involve someone in handing my anxiety attack with me, they bail.

Thanks for that, love.
Thank you so very much for reminding me why I don't get involved.
Thank you for calling me stupid.
Thank you for saying I'm not worth anything to you.
Thank you for not keeping your promise to talk with me.


The pace of this year just went from bad to all out shit in no time at all.

First Post

Jan. 28th, 2017 01:43 am
deadjinx: (Default)
Different name. Different feel. Different me. The DJ has arrived. Follow the white rabbit...


deadjinx: (Default)

June 2017

111213141516 17


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 24th, 2017 08:40 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios