deadjinx: (Default)
To quote a certain a witch, "I hate sunshine." Although I suppose it's mostly the heat that comes with it that I truly detest -_-...

Here in Washington, we are just starting our hot season, and we are going to be on fire over the next few days. Looking at high nineties, and I really want to hang myself. In Colorado, it usually cooled down by the evening. In Washington, it gets hotter. Totally fucked up.

Aside from being notably annoyed about the weather, I'm feeling a little disheartened about an educational process I was considering very strongly for this month. While I may disagree that being a pharm tech is a "career," I know that most people would see it as such, and my contemplation for changing careers was made all the more difficult as a result of something I learned today. While browsing through the information concerning the other career I was considering, I noticed that the prerequisite is an associates degree, or 60 equivalent hours before I can even start that segment of the module. Wonderful.

Since I'm not very passionate about this, I well and truly do not want to do this damn job and spend YEARS working up to it only to screw myself out of writing yet again. I really, truly, want to be a writer--that's where my passion is. Doing pharmacy was a way to get a job that I could live off of if writing fell through, and that was the original reason I chose to go down that path. I even worked (and lucked) my ass off to get the schedule I "needed' in order to have the most time available to pursue this passion. So...now I'm stuck weighing the pros and cons once again of ditching writing a second time in honor or pursuing a career that I can see the light at the end of, or pushing as hard as I can to succeed in a field that I may flop horribly in...

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A date that I was thinking would only be a couple hours before he blew up on me ended up going for almost eleven hours of talking. Two movies, too. Things...went pretty well.

I got there early, as expected, and it was good that I did. He wanted to take me to some restaurant for breakfast. Naturally, they had no real parking, so since it was close to his house, I parked in the lot right next the one I used to park in when we were dating seeing each other. I told him where I was and suggested we walk together. So I read until he came up to my car (best weapon choice ever!).

The outfit had the desired effect <3. The top was lower than I recalled, so it exposed my bra here and there when I moved, but I didn't care. With all the reasons women are finding to have their underwear intentionally exposed (bralette, anyone?), I was fine with what little was seen of mine. He...was certainly not complaining. His expression was priceless. I don't think I've ever seen a man look at me so hard for so long with such amazement and...longing...? I don't know. It's a hard facial expression to explain, lol. It was like a I was a brand new thing called "woman", and he wanted one, too! Well, however you'd like to try and describe it, I can say this for certain--he has never looked at me like that before.

We talked about idle things until after breakfast. The night before, I had made it abundantly clear that we were going to talk about the things he said, so there was no surprise. We went back to his place and got the dogs, then we walked and talked. And talked. Aaaaand talked. He was good about answering all of my questions. I played no games. I asked him detailed questions and broad question about his past, putting together the puzzle of his bad behavior. He had answered everything almost exactly as I had expected; horrible childhood, few improvements with age, lots of pain and strained relationships, and relatively horrible choices in mates. Sad, but my hunches were almost perfect. Not sure how I should feel about that...

He did apologize. It wasn't as wonderful as I would have liked, but really, when you're hurt by someone and just want an apology from them, when is the actual apology ever enough when it doesn't play out exactly as you imagined in your head? At any rate, the past has proven that he doesn't deliver the best sounding apologies, so I suppose it was what it was. The one thing I hadn't banked on was how I'd feel afterwards. I guess I was expecting some kind of great weight to be removed from me, but...nothing. I still felt hollow. I still feel hollow...but he gave me lots of answers to very personal questions, and I was more than happy to give him the hug he asked for after we had finished the main chat. .....It.....was a really long, nice hug. If I had been uncertain then, I knew for certain after that how much he seemed to miss me. He kept his arm around my waist and purposely kept his hand on my side just under my shirt as we wrapped up our walk and went back to his place.

He wanted a lot of touching. Like, a lot. Though I hadn't really wanted to be touched by anyone in the time leading up to that, I allowed him as much contact as I was willing. No sex; I had a little more self-respect than that =3, and honestly didn't want to. Still, he admitted how attracted he was to me, to the point that I caught him staring when we watched the first movie together. Still, I have to give him props for being clever and picking up on my general resistance and suspicion--he played slow and steady, and I watched his game and allowed it to play out.

He's not bad. I don't really know what the future will hold, but he doesn't seem too broken up about not having sex. I told him that we need to work on our communication above all else, and to find friendship within that context, and he agreed that talking was something we did, indeed, lack from before. He could just be jerking me around, and getting ready to pounce, but if he's willing to play ball with me, there might be hope. Rather, I know there's hope. We just need to talk.

We watched the second movie and cuddled a bit, and he was just thrilled to be touched again. I had expected that he'd be seeing someone else by now, but judging by what he said and how he was acting with me--and how he looked! He has a huge beard! XD--it sounds like he's been just as single as me. We'll see. My guard is still very, very, VERY high.

deadjinx: (Default)
Ok, the big day is coming. Here's the clothing plan:

My favorite dark grey slacks with the flare and cuff at the bottom and a bright white sleeveless cowl-neck top. To keep my arms warm in the cool morning air, I'll wear one of my black shrugs I used to love wearing when I was allowed to wear real clothes at work (not scrubs). Silver bracelet on the right, silver watch on the left, only my grandmother's aquamarine in white gold on my finger--the rest stay home this time. To finish, my silver and black leather heart necklace from Brighton. My weapon? A Kindle. I'll probably get there early, and I'll want to read. Yes, I know my coworker had suggested a real weapon, to which I responded by getting a retractable baton, but...no. No weapons. Just me, my book, and my belief that he's not that kind of guy. I haven't prayed for him to be brave and courageous all this time just to not trust him when he wants to talk.

My guard won't be that far down, though. He was horrible to me. I haven't forgotten, and I won't forget. I'll be keeping a close eye on him, of that you can be certain. And this time, if the conversation starts to go south, I am not sticking around.

I'm not gonna lie--I am anxious as hell. But I know I'll have people looking out for me and checking up on me. Pooka, from work, who will have his home address and is instructed to find me if I don't text him after this meeting concludes, and one of my girls who will be tracking me via Viber, are going to keep their eyes and ears open. I also have the over-protective parents on my team, so...all is as good as it's gonna get. My weapon of choice is common sense, and that never hurts anyone.
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I swore to myself that I wouldn't worry over this, and as usual, I'm worrying over it. God...what does that man want? He already ripped my guts open--what more is left? I've been asking myself this repeatedly over this week, and still haven't found a decent answer.

What does he want?
Will he apologize?
Does he plan to shrug it off as if it was nothing?
Does he just want to hook up or something?
Should I bring a weapon?

...Ok, to be fair, the last question was put into my head by my coworker -_-;;. *sigh* That damn woman. She is definitely on the side of, "block his f-ing number and to hell with him." So she says to me:
"Don't be like Obsessed."
Me: "What do you mean? I don't even know his Book of Face AND I have certainly not been stalking him! Sure, he lives around Dick's, but because of his proximity, I certainly don't want to go to that one unless I know he's at work!"
Her: "No, not you. Him."
Me: *takes a minute to think* ".....Ooooooooooh. Come on. I don't think he's like that."
Her: "Just sayin'. Might want to carry something is all."

Heh, I hate her just a little bit.


My next sage advice came from P'pa (an older fellow I know from work ^-^). After I told him the whole story of the dumping and how impossibly nasty he was to me, and after asking if there was any way in hell I'd get back with him, he told me to stick it where it counts, and dress all the same. His suggestion? Something tight and short and ultra low with sexy heels, hahaha! "Show him what he decided to throw away!" was his advice. Lol, men =). I'll take as much of his advice as I can, but I don't own a skirt that short. I really don't want to buy one, either...

Time for work. At least I've been sleeping well. So tired from work...
deadjinx: (Default)
Well, the lovely Ex has resurfaced for the second time. DAMN IT.

I guess it was too much for me to expect this was over after the last time he shot me text, haha.

So AssHat text me Saturday night before I went to bed. He just said "hey", and I more or less told my phone--and thus his text--to go fuck itself because I was tired, so I chose not to worry over giving a response until waking up on Sunday. So now, Sunday rolls on in. I text him before we get started with the Father's Day celebrations, pretending like I hadn't gotten the message until the morning =P. A couple hours later, he responds, and then we started texting back and forth for about four or five hours. He was incredibly chatty for someone who had been a dick to me... Very confusing...

Anyhow, the end of the conversation finally came around, and lo and behold, he did more or less what I was both expecting and dreading. He asked to meet up. He had wanted to do it right away, but there was just no way I was mentally or physically prepared for it (he asked to see me on Monday or Tuesday, which are my grocery and cooking days respectively). More or less telling the truth of my unavailability, I put him on hold until the next Saturday I'm off. That'll be July 1st. He almost literally jumped at the offer. I guess I was no better. After all, it never occurred to me that I could just say "no."

Soooo...now I have to prepare myself for the fallout of that when I'm off next time. This is gonna be a long ass seven days. I really hope I don't think about this all f-ing week...
deadjinx: (Default)
I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately (do I ever actually feel that badly, though?). My weight has been stable, which is fine I suppose. I don't mind this size at all, as all my favorite clothes still fit =). I've been at 162.8lbs since I started walking back in March-ish, so even if my BMI comes up as "obese" (which takes almost nothing to be called that according to those measurements, btw), I'm within my personal range of 158lbs-164lbs. The only real exercises I haven't been able to do with a great deal of determination or success have been the Pilates ones and jumping rope. With my dad always home, his car is always in the garage, which is the only place I can jump rope in private. Waiting until he leaves hasn't worked out especially well as of yet. For the Pilates set, I just plain-old forget to do them, lol. I need to work on that particular discipline....


I have been doing a TON of research as of late on essential oils focusing on acne prevention. Exhausting as hell, but already yielding many promising results. Aaaaand costing me a shit-ton of money -_-. Ah well. My interest in this initially began sometime last year, but it was only now that I managed to squeeze in the time to do the leg work and start getting answers. As I said, the results have been very promising, and I feel confident going forward with this plan of action. I have discovered a good many things in this quest, and this pleases me all the more.

The original goal of this research was to save money on prescription acne medication, as the one I use was going at damn near $300/tube with insurance, and that was only last year. This year...I have a feeling it'll be even closer, if not over $300 when if I go back for a refill. So now I've spent endless hours researching alternative, natural treatment options. I already had a good amount of the most basic supplies from back when I was making my own bodywash--something I'll be doing again very soon--so I was able to save a little money with that. The rest has been costly to get everything I possibly can. However, unlike that $300 tube, these prices won't vary as much, and I'm basically buying everything in bulk supply. I haven't tallied the damage yet, but I know it has been a costly journey. But even if it ends up costing me more, the fact that I'll be relying on fewer chemicals and more natural things makes me feel good.



Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good ^-^.

deadjinx: (Default)
While on my morning walk, I encountered something most unusual. A person! That I know! From work! A sweet nurse from the Birth Center that I did a triple-take on before I said, "hey, don't I know you?" The darling used to live in the neighborhood right next to mine, only recently moving because she and her husband wanted to live closer to his mom so they could help her more easily in the wake of his dad's passing. Very sweet of them. I like her. She's such a wonderful person! And I hope I never run into her again, as she kind of cost me several minutes on my walk, lol.

This past rotation went well, even with the inclusion of sensing that I may have pissed someone off. One of the fellows that, um...flirts with me, freaks me out, won't leave me alone talks to me while I'm working (I call him Googly-eyes -_-;;) seems to be somewhat through with me. I had been trying--very gently--since November to shake him, becoming increasingly cold and uninterested in what he had to say, but he just didn't seem to be getting the message. Until recently. If his behavior was any indication a couple nights ago, I think he's angry with me. That is the best thing for both of us, really.

I have no idea why this is the case, but nurses and their assistants seem to have a hard time understanding that while we're busy filling their machines with medications, we really shouldn't be disturbed, as it increases errors. Just like when/why we don't disturb them. It's a little thing called WORK. Googly-eyes just would not shut up. If he saw me in the med room, he'd just keep on talking. Now, it's not impossible for me to pay attention to the conversation, but when it's about nothing

On that same unit is a very attractive nurse that I absolutely love talking to. Not just because he's hot--I have no desire to go out with him--but because he's a great conversationalist. Since I feel that my own conversational abilities lack considerably, I really appreciate those who can carry the conversation to great lengths. I do have things to say, but as I have a tendency to be overly-focused on what I'm doing, it's hard for me to talk sensibly and fill the machine correctly. The other fellow on that same unit is the sweetest nerd on earth, and I also enjoy talking to him (he takes more energy than the former, but he's kind, so I say what I can, and he doesn't talk long anyway). As for Googly-eyes? NOTHING TO SAY. He just drones on and on, asking me around a thousand questions each time. Seriously, if you can't just talk and do a good job carrying the conversation while I'm obviously working, please be silent. I don't have time for interactions.

I think it was Sunday night? Might have been Saturday. I had come up for an early morning delivery and saw him sitting in a patient's room. He was on the phone, so to be polite, I waived and continued down the hall to the med room. When I came back out, he had pulled the door to so I couldn't see him! I couldn't even hide my smile. Sorry, not sorry! I don't really feel bad, but I do wish he'd gotten the message sooner. It might have been less of a blow to his feelings had he made peace with me having no interest in him sooner.

I suppose that going forward, I need to practice being firmer with rejecting suitors. It's just that sometimes, I think they just want to have a good conversation, and then I get blindsided by their sudden desire to hump my leg. Can't we just be friends? Is that so bad?

deadjinx: (Default)
I'm realizing my lacking fondness for the phrase "when it rains, it pours"...


A fellow from my job that had unusually high hopes for being in a relationship with me last year texted me out of the blue this week. He has my number because I gave it to him (I felt bad saying no, damn it!), and he hasn't really bothered me since Xmas. At the time of his entrance into my days, I was seeing the Master AssHat. As I don't get into the habit of announcing my relationship status, I'm sure he assumed I was single (and looking, apparently...), and began his pursuit. He wanted to "take me out," and I just genuinely didn't want to go. I wasn't interested then, and I'm not interested now. He has dated so many women in the hospital! Did he think I hadn't noticed or remembered that?! And anyway, I don't like shopping for mates at work if I can help it. Makes life easier when things don't work out, you know? Anyway, he had basically left me alone shortly after xmas, which made me think he had finally gotten the message, or found someone else. Sooo not the case.....

He shot me a text around the beginning of my work week asking how I was and if I wanted to go out with him somewhere (again). He wanted to walk me to my car the last Monday I was at work, but thank the lord, I was super busy and wasn't able to get that walk! I felt good that I had managed not to see him at all that week, too! Still, he's back to texting me more than I'd like...*sigh*. I know he doesn't get it, but I am just not that into him, and right now, I am loving not having to deal with another person's feelings. Cold truth, my friends!

As if things were odd enough with him contacting me again, guess who else has started talking? The darling Ex himself. Yeeeeaahhhh...just about chocked on my dinner when I saw his text last night. It would seem I've been on his mind "for the past few months" (sorry, but I have to say how fucking insane that sentence is! The is coming from Mr. We've-only-been-dating-for-12-days-not-3-months. It hasn't even been nine WEEKS since he dumped me! So since we just HAVE to be technical, a "few" is defined as "three or more." There. We can now move on.). He said he's been reluctant to talk to me because he's been "struggling with aspects of life and did not want to behave in a disrespectful or needy way."

.....hmm.....

Since it was late when he text me (he was at work. It was slow. Fine time for an epiphany...?), and even later when he got that last bit out, I ultimately had to tell him to try again later on today after 11:45a. I need to sleep sometime, and I had a lot of running around to do after my walk this morning! Thing is, he hasn't gotten back to me. I'm neither shocked nor disappointed. He never gave me a chance to bond to him, so, ya know...meh. He probably slept in or something and ended up rushing into work at the last minute. Show's how important that conversation was to him, right?

Still, I can't help but wonder what he will say; what he expects will happen. I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm honestly not expecting to get any kind of apology from him. He probably just wants someone to talk to, and I happened to be "it" at that moment. Maybe he already resolved his issue by talking to Lydia (this friend of his who was having a family crisis very, very shortly after mine, but she was more important than I was, so he physically went to her to offer support and wouldn't even talk to me via text. She has a son and a boyfriend, yet she was more important than his girlfriend the person he was seeing...) or maybe even Katie. Or maybe he was high when he text me, and forgot after he sobered! Lol!



Then again, maybe he just got cold feet. I admit, I probably wasn't as friendly as I typically am, but nowhere is it written that it's necessary to be nice to a man who turned into a monster when asked how he felt about his girlfriend the person he was sleeping with.

deadjinx: (Default)
Things have calmed down considerably since the first post. My dad is feeling much better since his issue back in February. Long story short, he had a brain bleed (stroke) back in November of last year. While he didn't show any of the normal go-to signs, by January, he was having an almost impossible time getting around. His motor skills were shot, his sentences were very short, and he was just kind of out of it. Given the situation, his doctor ordered us to bring him into the ER right away, and said he'd make sure they had a bed ready for his arrival. When he got there and they scanned him, just over two-thirds of his brain was blotted out by blood. 45min later, he was in surgery, operated on, had all the blood drained out of his head, and was talking and basically back to normal. 45 minutes!!! I work in hospitals and know what speed is, but that was fast.

As earlier started, he's doing really well now. He still forgets things, but that's to be expected with his age and damage like that. He has a heart murmur now (just found out a couple days ago), so that's not the greatest, but since he's had it for a while and didn't bother mentioning it to us until his day-surgery this past Thursday when the RN verified in front of my mom that he was aware of it, I can only worry and be so angry about it. Men of the 50's are...so incredibly annoying in the way that they feel they have to keep everything a damn secret. My mom was furious, but she's sick of him doing shit like that, too.


My own life has been getting better. Work is, well, shitty, but the personal end of things has seen some good growth. After the Master of AssHats (AKA: the Ex) dumped me with such brutality, I went through great efforts to understand what was actually happening in that tiny little skull of his. Not from him personally--he had some serious issues and I was soooo not going near that shit--but from my dear books. So. Much. Research. Narcissistic Personality Disorder was at the top of the list of things to look into. Very interesting disease that I'd never even heard of, and it described him almost 100%. But despite all of the research I had done on that disorder, I kept feeling like I was missing something very big. Finally, right in the pages of the books, I saw what I was missing: Verbal Abuse. Those two words had been getting tossed around like freaking crazy, so I took a nice deep breath and decided to run with it.

The research exploded.

I'll be honest; I never really thought too much on such things prior to encountering the overwhelming toxicity of Him. Afterwards, however, my quest for answers left me with knowledge that will never be forgotten. Verbal Abuse (VA) is complex, and covers a wide range of things that go well beyond the conventional explanation. Name-calling (AssHat, lol) is only the tip of the iceberg. He never called me names, which isn't uncommon in these situations. No, what he excelled at was "covert abuse."

He would trivialize and counter me repeatedly, he used threats and even scolded me publicly once. He twisted stories around to make me appear weak or villainous when they were all about him (and indeed started out that way when he first told me...), would be condescending when I would have points to make, and LOVED to claim that he was accepting of everything, but never failed to disagree with almost everything I said. He said he needed more of a female presence in his life because it would be good for him, yet few of his words and actions said that he even liked women. There was...so little respect for me in there. I knew that a lot of things had been wrong, but I really didn't understand the full nature of why I felt the way I did until after I had read the books. Enlightenment is a most powerful thing...

I just finished reading the main book of my VA studies a few days ago. It was truly amazing, and gave me insight even beyond the things that hadn't bothered me in the relationship. Even down to the way he was always asking if I was ok. You wouldn't think that was abuse, would you? It's not that they're asking, it's the way they ask it. Such a question is meant to make it so that our train of thought is broken repeatedly during the same time/event (EX: if I'm doing homework and he interrupts me with said question for no reason at all) so frequently that we start to wonder if we are, in fact, "ok." This seed of doubt makes us second-guess ourselves, and second-guessing leads to self doubt, which leads to diminished confidence, and makes us easier prey. It really is amazing how well that shit works. On most. I was simply getting annoyed with him, but I hadn't know why at the time. A lot of instances were like that, and my reaction was usually that of inexplicable irritation.

Anyway, there are about a million examples, but I don't have that kind of time on my hands! This post is long enough anyway ^-^. I've been doing better--that's the bottom line here. I'm exercising again, which feels great, and I even finished painting the house! Not 100% (I still have to do the rest of the trim =P), but all the hard parts that require ladders are done. The house looks so much brighter, ya know? I haven't been able to get back to writing yet, but that should be pretty soon. I have been able to work on jewelry again, which makes me incredibly happy, and I've been sleeping better and having more fun without the thoughts of the house looming over my head. So as it stands, I have no mate, no super amazing social life, and still not a whole lot of time to spare, but I feel great, and I'm enjoying the addition of my 2.75mi walk during my days off!

deadjinx: (Default)
This year didn't start off overly well as a whole, but the past week has seen a great deal of turmoil in my personal life.

My mate has essentially dumped me because of something I had said in past tense that I can only imagine he interpreted as present tense--given how he reacted--and wouldn't let me finish what I was saying. He said that "sex was off the table" (Was that supposed to hurt? I'm asexual, and very, very rarely get involved with anyone as a result...), and pointed out that after we had started seeing each other, I started to withdraw emotionally. Umm...what did he expect would happen after he told me he'd "never fall in love again" after the last one--who was kind of bat-shit, by the way--ripped his heart out? Saying that was basically like telling me I'd never win the horse race. So tell me, where--in that statement--does it even make sense for me to get emotionally involved?

He also doesn't feel like being in a relationship with me due to my work schedule being too inconvenient (news to me!), which was something I was going to address by telling him I was going to take classes to do something else anyway. He also said that my life is set up in such a way that it doesn't allow for relationships, which he used as yet another reason to make me feel bad for admitting that I wanted a relationship with him "right now." Never mind that I said I was willing to wait until he felt more comfortable with relationships in general (again, typically asexual, so patience is abundant), so long as there was a chance. So, while that whole conversation was supposed to be about me working up to, "let's work on seeing each other more often," it ended up being, quote: "I don't see you being a very good person to have a relationship with." ...Nice. My feelings don't matter or anything. I get yelled at for not hanging on and remembering your every little word, yet you can't remember me saying that I actually do want a relationship, and all of that was said long before you asked me out.

With the expected anxiety of the break-up making my chest hurt, my dad being unusually sick hasn't helped. He just got hospitalized about two hours ago, which was when the doctors found out that he'd had a stroke a couple weeks ago. That would explain his very peculiar behavior. Back to my mate, he said I could still call or text him if I needed to talk (despite basically not wanting to see me anymore, he still thinks I'm a good person, just not a good girlfriend). So, I text him and ask if we can talk over the phone, or if I can meet up with him at his place after work. What does he say? That he's sick and doesn't feel like talking or seeing anyone. The one time I chose to involve someone in handing my anxiety attack with me, they bail.

Thanks for that, love.
Thank you so very much for reminding me why I don't get involved.
Thank you for calling me stupid.
Thank you for saying I'm not worth anything to you.
Thank you for not keeping your promise to talk with me.

 

The pace of this year just went from bad to all out shit in no time at all.

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DeadJinx

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